My goals for November are simple: just get back to something like normal. At work and in life, things are slowly shifting into a routine, and I just need to keep working at finding that equilibrium. The semester is winding down; my conference is over and done; and the leadership program I’m attending is wrapping to a close. There have been days when I’ve just wanted to curl up and hide, but I’ve managed to stick it out (despite the boy’s grumbling about the amount of complaining he’s put up with).
I haven’t kept up with my writing and, some days, the only exercise I get is the walk to and from my car (a long one at least), but I’ve needed the pause, even if only to find the energy to start again. Even now, I’m debating whether I have the mental capacity to work on a chapter (the answer is likely no), but I know I will with time. Fall is a time for new beginnings for me and I’m more than ready for a fresh start.
I think they’re gone… I’m hesitant to even admit it, but I really think the mites are dying, dead, or leaving for greener pastures because I have not seen or felt a single one since Sunday. (with my luck, they’ll be back this afternoon) I’m not sure which of the many magic brews made it happen, but I think it was the combination of EcoSmart (available on Vitacost), Sentry Natural Defense (available at Petco), and a 3 parts 91% alcohol, witch hazel, hydrogen peroxide spray with orange essential oil. Yes, I tried everything. My house smells like all kinds of herbs, including thieves blend oil, tea tree, orange oil, peppermint. and eucalyptus. It’s a veritable apothecary. Sigh.
Aside from the bugs, my TMJ has been the worst it’s been in months (probably due to the stress and my inability to get a good night’s sleep), which means I’ve been living with a persistent ache along my jaw, teeth, and neck… which means hello, migraine. I’ve taken a few different things for it, but it’s one of those that linger until suddenly they disappear. I feel half-drunk and generally moody, but I’m managing. Started doing yoga again on Sunday (with the bugs, I could barely sit still, let alone focus on breathing); it’s been three days in a row now. Hoping it helps. It’s just difficult to concentrate on anything when everything hurts and you feel like bugs are crawling all over you. *shudder*
I’m in a funk. I openly admit that part of it is due to my own lack of initiative, but there are some days when I just feel the need to wallow and let things fall as they will. I’m an introvert; social situations wear me out, especially when they are tense and hostile and the result of irrational territorial disputes. I know when to pick my battles, and this is one battle I don’t need or care to fight, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel the sting of disappointment. I’m definitely disappointed. Partly because I thought I could make a difference, partly because I thought I had proven myself capable. Guess not.
It’s been a cloud on my feelings all weekend and I’ve only just started coming to terms with my decision not to engage. I know it will rear its head again, as such things do. I just need to focus on my needs and let it go. And now, I need to focus on getting past this and back to writing.
Yes, this post is intentionally vague for the sake of my continued sanity.
I called in sick (technically, I texted in sick, but so it goes). I did it because I needed it. I did it for myself. I did it because I needed to distance myself from everything that happened yesterday and because I barely slept a wink and was scared of driving and falling asleep at the wheel. I did it because I needed to take care of things that needed taking care of before they became worse. And I did it because I need to stop feeling guilty for needing to take time off. I have the privilege of actually getting paid sick leave, but I always feel such guilt for taking time off and letting my overworked coworkers down. It’s probably a remnant of the days when it was work or don’t get paid, but I also think it’s something that has been so ingrained in many of us–the idea that we have to take it for the team, keep plodding on or else–that taking time off, even when it’s allowed, seems a huge ordeal.
I drank some tea, rested, took care of those things I mentioned, and then had a long nap. I’m still tired, but I’ve managed to get some writing in. I took a walk to Starbucks and indulged in a latte and a good book. And now I’m here. Trying to find some peace.
Just managing to stay positive during this whole ordeal. Mostly trying to keep my mom from feeling too down, so I have to be the voice of reason more often than not. Bchan has been wonderful and I hope he knows it (yes, I know you’re there lurker boy). Not sure how I would’ve pulled through this weekend if he hadn’t been there to cheer me up and distract me.