I’m in a funk. I openly admit that part of it is due to my own lack of initiative, but there are some days when I just feel the need to wallow and let things fall as they will. I’m an introvert; social situations wear me out, especially when they are tense and hostile and the result of irrational territorial disputes. I know when to pick my battles, and this is one battle I don’t need or care to fight, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel the sting of disappointment. I’m definitely disappointed. Partly because I thought I could make a difference, partly because I thought I had proven myself capable. Guess not.
It’s been a cloud on my feelings all weekend and I’ve only just started coming to terms with my decision not to engage. I know it will rear its head again, as such things do. I just need to focus on my needs and let it go. And now, I need to focus on getting past this and back to writing.
Yes, this post is intentionally vague for the sake of my continued sanity.
What started as a lovely day has turned into a bitter disappointment. The wonderful feeling of accomplishment that I started my day with was crushed by one problem after another. I try to bounce back, but there are some days that just keep beating me down and this is one of them. I’ve had people complaining and making all sorts of demands at work, a person who blames me for something I had no control over (but was forced to serve as the messenger for) wrote a letter to the president of my institution saying that I am tarnishing the reputation of the university, and then I came home to find that two of my potted plants had fallen from the window ledge because of all the wind, and my cat’s eye was even more red and swollen than it was this morning despite improvement over the weekend. I tried to take care of what I could. I did some yoga to relax, I had dinner, I went to the pet shop for a collar to try to keep him from rubbing at his eye and making it worse, but I just feel down and depressed and burnt out. I do. I feel like everything I work for is a shambles and there’s nothing I can do about it. I know this feeling will pass, but right now I can’t see how to manage it all.