on distractions, dread, and not doing much
I’m stuck.
The events of the last two weeks have taken a sledgehammer to my carefully laid out writing goals. Try though I might not to get sucked into the spiral of bad news, bad thoughts, and bad dreams, I can’t help it. I’m in that weird place between needing to know and knowing that there’s not much I can do. It’s also been a week at work, so I’m feeling extra vulnerable. As an elder millennial, I’m definitely part of the generation that always feels on edge about the future. I’m a generally optimistic person (or, at least, I try to be), but there are no guarantees in life and never does that feel more true than right at this moment.
One thing I noted during the course of my low/no buy, I never feel like I’m doing well. All my needs are met, but I always carry this sense of dread that I’m one stumble away from total disaster. Partly, it’s the ghost of growing up poor. Partly, it’s the very real truth that most Americans are one emergency away from total disaster. I’m doing fine. I know I am. My financial advisor tells me I’m doing fine.
It doesn’t change anything. I still carry that seed of dread.
So, here I am. Trying to keep the anxiety at bay, resisting the extremely counterproductive urge to buy stuff I don’t need for a hit of dopamine (the only thing I need is a new pair of shoes), and moving today’s to-do’s to tomorrow.
The growing list:
start editing Book 2(started today)- edit and post two videos
publish the weekly blog entry- deep clean the bathroom (I’ve got a mold issue that needs extra attention.)
- clean the apartment
- print my new decluttering tracker and schedule 15 minutes a day to declutter
- do my taxes
- start the business of starting a business… (and all the steps therein)
and those are just the personal tasks.
I’ll get to them. It’ll be fine. These are the small things I can control, I’ll take them one at a time. It’ll be fine. For now, I’m reading The Stand-in by Lily Chu, cozying in bed with the cats, and not worrying about it.
I’ll get unstuck tomorrow.
Tonight, I’m going out for ice cream. 🍨
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You can also subscribe to my “quiet days” vlog series on YouTube or learn more about my writing at emiliagracewrites.com. I also post about my writing process on Substack. For more, visit my linktr.ee
Note to longtime readers: In case you missed the last year’s update, I changed my name to Emilia Grace on most of my socials to align with my penname.
marginalia and such 