otherwise known as where have I been for the last year?
Hey. Hi. Hello.
So let’s address the elephant in the room… I mostly disappeared across most of my socials for the last year. Why? ✨ depression ✨
But, for real. Depression. Like proper, post-traumatic, life-hit-the-fan-and-my-sense-of-identity-came-crashing-down depression. A lot of things in my life ground mostly to a halt, including writing/editing, vlogging, blogging, and more. I fell back on not so great spending habits and burned through a good bit of the previous year’s savings even before the sharp rise in cost of living made things more untenable for my single lady lifestyle.
It’s been rough.
I picked up my camera several times but the thought of putting that energy into the world felt wrong and I didn’t want to have to watch myself while editing, so why would anyone else? I deleted those recordings.
In January, however, I told myself I would stop wallowing and make my own joy, even if things were trash. And that’s what I’ve been doing, though a lot of things have been trash–I injured my foot (don’t ask me how, I have no idea), have had several “why am I here?” moments at work, had to pay for car repairs I wasn’t planning on, and have been living with the real knowledge that I am likely going to lose my dad sometime in the not so distant future (we all live with the knowledge, obvi, but this is knowledge with a countdown clock). My mom’s #1 feline son is also in a delicate spot healthwise (see my last post if you’d like to share or donate to our GoFundMe). It’s been a lot, but I persist! Joy, or else!
I’ve started writing again, though the progress is slow. I’m committed to publishing late this year, or early next year, and making up for the time this sadness has stolen. I’ve been making more time for my parents and getting closer to old friends. I’ve also been letting go of who I thought I was and filling the well by finding opportunities to connect with who I am as a creative, rather than another cog in the academic capitalist enterprise that is my day job.
I made one resolution for 2026: to try a new boba place every month. That’s pretty emblematic of the last year. Small joys, living in the moment, and savoring the sweet things. Sometimes it works, sometimes it leads to more anxiety as I worry about money and the terrible cost of living crisis.
Anyhow, explain to me why it took me nearly two weeks to finish this post? 😅 Time is a construct and I’m going to blame it on the moon.
Amidst the chaos and dopamine-chasing, I told myself the only way out is through, so I started vlogging again. Like this post, it’s a start.
If you’ve made it to the end, you’re a real one 💜🫰🏻🌟
marginalia and such 