reflections on life – marginalia and such

on distractions, dread, and not doing much

my latest read, journaling and migraine essentials

I’m stuck.

The events of the last two weeks have taken a sledgehammer to my carefully laid out writing goals. Try though I might not to get sucked into the spiral of bad news, bad thoughts, and bad dreams, I can’t help it. I’m in that weird place between needing to know and knowing that there’s not much I can do. It’s also been a week at work, so I’m feeling extra vulnerable. As an elder millennial, I’m definitely part of the generation that always feels on edge about the future. I’m a generally optimistic person (or, at least, I try to be), but there are no guarantees in life and never does that feel more true than right at this moment.

One thing I noted during the course of my low/no buy, I never feel like I’m doing well. All my needs are met, but I always carry this sense of dread that I’m one stumble away from total disaster. Partly, it’s the ghost of growing up poor. Partly, it’s the very real truth that most Americans are one emergency away from total disaster. I’m doing fine. I know I am. My financial advisor tells me I’m doing fine.

It doesn’t change anything. I still carry that seed of dread.

So, here I am. Trying to keep the anxiety at bay, resisting the extremely counterproductive urge to buy stuff I don’t need for a hit of dopamine (the only thing I need is a new pair of shoes), and moving today’s to-do’s to tomorrow.

The growing list:

~~start editing Book 2~~ (started today)

edit and post two videos

~~publish the weekly blog entry~~

deep clean the bathroom (I’ve got a mold issue that needs extra attention.)

clean the apartment

print my new decluttering tracker and schedule 15 minutes a day to declutter

do my taxes

start the business of starting a business… (and all the steps therein)

and those are just the personal tasks.

I’ll get to them. It’ll be fine. These are the small things I can control, I’ll take them one at a time. It’ll be fine. For now, I’m reading The Stand-in by Lily Chu, cozying in bed with the cats, and not worrying about it.

I’ll get unstuck tomorrow.

Tonight, I’m going out for ice cream. 🍨

If you’d like to follow me on this journey, stick around and subscribe. 💗

You can also subscribe to my “quiet days” vlog series on YouTube or learn more about my writing at emiliagracewrites.com. I also post about my writing process on Substack. For more, visit my linktr.ee

Note to longtime readers: In case you missed the last year’s update, I changed my name to Emilia Grace on most of my socials to align with my penname.

on movement

I turned 40 last year, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned as the daughter of two senior parents with complicated health issues, it’s that movement is essential to positive health outcomes. No, movement isn’t a cure for everything—medical care is crucial and should be a human right, but we all know how that is going, at least in America. But back to movement… I have a complicated history with movement. I hated the run laps around the gym/sit-ups/public shaming of childhood gym class. I also had a weird history with medical professionals that convinced my mom that exercise was bad for my back. Hello, spina bifida occulta. Yes, I have a bad back, not engaging in core exercises was probably not the best idea, but here we are.

My love of movement started in my 20s, when I started with walks around campus, which later morphed into interval runs, 5ks, yoga, and Pilates at home (thank you, local library DVDs). Enter full time employment, long commutes, and hours of sitting at a desk for work and creative pursuits, and my relationship with movement started to look a little different. It became harder to run every day, so yoga for more than 20 minutes a few times a week, or do more than catch a few minutes of walking during my breaks. I have a love/hate relationship with my office—it’s beautiful, the location gives me ample opportunity to walk in nature, but my 2-hour commute is a killer for movement. Over the last 10 years (wow!), it’s done a number on my physical wellness. Add several injuries over the last 4 years (I am the Queen 👑 of stupid falls), and I hit 40 feeling like I was never going to get my stamina back.

So, last year, I made it my mission to do something about it. I started lifting weights… light weights at first, because a shoulder injury in 2020 led to a biopsy that led to an “inconclusive” discovery, and 5 years later, I’m due for my yearly check-up to make sure nothing has changed.

View this post on Instagram

getting a biopsy in the middle of the pandemic was an experience

All that to say, my right shoulder has been through it and I still don’t know why it likes to hurt on occasion, though I now know how to recognize the signs to prevent further injury.

Last June, I started doing Lift with Cee’s full body lifting workouts, using 5 and 8 lb weights, and struggling to complete some of the moves.

Nearly 7 months later, I’m up to 15s and 12s, using the 8s and 5s for the moves that trigger the shoulder twinge, or when that luteal phase is hitting hard. I’m lifting 3 days a week and I have seen the changes in my body, but the greatest change is knowing that I’m taking steps towards ensuring that I can continue to be independent as I age. I hurt my knee last April (like I said, lots of injuries), and being able to bend into a squat has been such a blessing. I’ve done physical therapy for the shoulder and the knee, and both times, my main goal has been to be able to get back to a place where I can continue to engage in movement without pain.

My dad had hip surgery when I was in college, so about 18 years ago. Because of complications, he never fully recovered. His arthritis has only gotten worse and he has reached a stage where he is in near constant pain and severely limited in his mobility. Anything can happen between now and the time I reach my dad’s age, but I know that the best thing I can do to prepare for that is to keep moving and build strength to support my already genetically messed up joints.

Here’s to aging well 🥂

If you’d like to follow me on this journey, stick around and subscribe. 💗

You can also subscribe to my “quiet days” vlog series on YouTube or learn more about my writing at emiliagracewrites.com. For more, visit my linktr.ee

Note to longtime readers: In case you missed the last year’s update, I changed my name to Emilia Grace on most of my socials to align with my penname.