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Day 50, Monday
The inevitable migraine day. Spent some time working on a review, but had a hard time focusing.
Worried about the reopening process in Florida. Miami is still mostly under lock down, but public spaces have reopened and (of course) people have been irresponsible in their behavior.
Day 51, Tuesday
Woke up early for the first time in what feels like weeks. Got some writing time before settling in for work and meetings.
The boy came over for the first time since lockdown. I’ve been to his place to do laundry and have a couple of yard dates, but he hasn’t been over since day 1. He was surprised to find that my apartment is unchanged except for the tiny table I use as a work station and the art supplies on my kitchen table. TBH, part of me is anxious about being in close proximity. It’s not a good feeling and I hate that this is even a thought that I need to have.
Day 52, Wednesday
Another exhausting grocery trip. It’s so hard to get everything for two households, I decided to take a separate trip for myself. I have regrets. Also an increased level of anxiety. Every time I go out, I wonder if this is the time I catch the virus. Yes, I’m wearing a mask (2 layers of t-shirt fabric with two layers of polypropylene as a filter. Ordered some filters today); I wash my stuff, quarantine what I don’t need right away, but there’s no guarantee and it’s scary when people are not observing social distance measures.
Day 53, Thursday
Hard to focus today. I’ve reached a state where I’ve had to accept that my writing is definitely taking a backseat for the sake of mental and physical health. My lofty plans are not so lofty anymore and an hour of work 5-6 times a week (even if it’s not a particularly productive hour) feels like a major accomplishment. My goals for the year were upended as soon as I started revising my current project, and the rewrite I planned for the manuscript I queried last year is a distant dream.
Yes, after wrestling with the thought while working on other projects, I realized a rewrite is the best thing I can do for that novel. I started it when I was deep in grad school, finding my feet in a new career, and going through major life changes. It’s a project that has grown with me and one that I come back to again and again because I believe it’s worth the effort. But the effort is still going.
Day 54, Friday
Laundry, we meet again.
The university hosted a town hall to discuss the “repopulation of campus”. The current philosophy is no faculty will be forced to return to campus as long as they can continue working from home. We do, however, have our own number of “essential workers” and I hope we can continue to keep them safe when we do reopen. Things are going to look very different this Fall, with only 40% of the on-campus student population (and that reduced to a hybrid model to limit numbers).
Day 55, Saturday
Decided to celebrate Mother’s Day a day early and ordered lasagna from Olive Garden for my mom. She’s been talking about a lasagna craving for days, but I wasn’t feeling brave enough to go buy all the supplies. Take out lasagna it is. I also got her a tiramisu and soup. She was incredibly pleased. My gran isn’t really aware of what’s happening, so her presents are of a supportive nature to assist my mom with her care.
Day 56, Sunday
Another day at home. Even South Florida is feeling the effects of the polar vortex —- it’s unusually cool for May and it’s been raining all day. Spent a few hours writing, not that I made much progress. It’s as good as it gets. Worried about day, who had a sore throat this morning. Is it his reflux or something worse? My sister lives with him and her mom and isn’t doing much to isolate. I can’t do much other than wait and hope it’s nothing. I feel so helpless. Mom and gran are doing ok, but every day brings a new worry.
Did 30 minutes of Yoga with Kassandra. I’ve been doing her morning movement series (in the evenings), but it’s been some time since I’ve done a proper session. It felt good to get a deep stretch. Needed.
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For the last two weeks, I’ve been working on trying to find a balance between being safe and not succumbing to agoraphobic-induced fears. The more I stay home and stay afraid, the less I see of the world and how people are dealing with this disease, and then the more I worry even about things that I don’t need to worry about. I’ve been using this time to emerge while taking abundant precautions in a slow, safe manor. Visited my chiropractor when it became necessary and after talking to fellow patients about their safety protocols (great), and was pleased by how safe I felt. Ditto several other experiences. I’ve also learned places to avoid (specific parks that are very overcrowded), and begun to have socially-distant contact with friends and family through yard visits where we’re all ten feet apart. It’s not much, but in a world that may continue in this vein for another year or two, I can’t imagine continuing to live in constant fear and isolation. I’m trying to imagine the reality of what our world and what safety will look like if this persists for 2+ years as we work to find vaccines. The folks who are being reckless are PISSING ME OFF, but I’m finding the venues, shops, and locations that have been really great about masks, distance, disinfecting, and safety. I suppose I’m trying to find the new shape of my world post-pandemic, and it’s been helping my mental health a lot.
Sorry to word-dump here. I know you know where I”m coming from in terms of anxiety and panic and agoraphobia, so it’s nice to talk. 🙂
I feel the same. We’re in this for the long-haul, whether our communities are open or on lock down, so finding a sense of balance and safety now is essential. I’m worried about my mom’s mental health because she can’t go out because of her personal health risks, and because there’s no one to look after my gran, so being able to visit on a limited basis is one of the only ways I can support some of her social needs. I’m trying to come up with a way to visit my dad without being in an enclosed space… the logistics are trickier in his case.
I saw an interview today with an infection disease professor that eased some of my fears about going out on errands and people crowding my walking trails. He goes into detail on his blog: https://www.erinbromage.com/post/the-risks-know-them-avoid-them