panic attacks – marginalia and such

* TW: my mental health declines in these.

Day 15

Another rough night, barely slept and had a hard time waking up in the morning… which meant I had to start out of bed and hop right onto chat with little prep. Not ideal, but made it work.

Day 16

The days are starting to blend… things have slowed down a bit, work-wise, and I’m trying to find the mental space to work on more than the basics, but it hasn’t happened yet…

Day 17

The usual, plus a very long meeting watching faculty trying to figure out how to use a survey tool. It was a looooong meeting.

Ordered dinner from a local Greek restaurant for the first time since I started the work-from-home sitch. I tried ordering from two Chinese places and both were closed, which makes me wonder if they were experiencing racism or decided to be safe (hoping it’s the latter and not the former).

Day 18

What day is it again? (it’s Thursday, for the record)

Went to the Outside after doing my first round of chat… more people wearing masks, so that’s good. I wore a makeshift scarf mask and prayed for the best. To keep my mom and gran away from contagion, I’ve been doing their groceries along with mine, which means I spent an obscene amount of money at Walmart, all while dodging people (still no toilet paper or disinfectant. Also, men need to learn to respect the distance). The elders and the cats will be fed for some time (my mom feeds her own cats plus the local colony that she’s TNRed).

Donated to Feeding America. https://www.feedingamerica.org/

Every time I have a cough, I wonder if this is it 😦

Day 19

Started having anxiety attacks again last night after doing what I shouldn’t do and reading covid accounts. I can’t tell if the weirdness my body feels is the usual weirdness or more, which only spurs the anxiety and makes my chest hurt more. It’s hard to focus on anything right now, but I’m eating well, moving, and trying to take care of myself as much as I can.

Had a major panic attack at night and thought I was having a heart attack. It was terrifying and happened more than once over the course of a few hours until I felt like I was dying. Called a 24 hour on-call nurse and 911. My vitals and EKG checked out, so that was a relief, but it took a while for me to fall asleep.

The Weekend

Day 20, Saturday

Called my doctor’s on-call service and spoke with the weekend doctor. She prescribed anxiety meds because I need more than my regular interventions can offer. My usual pharmacy is out of stock at all the nearby locations so I had to call around to find a CVS that had it in stock. It’s an obvious reflection of the times we’re in when all the anxiety meds are out of stock at a major retailer. Waiting for them to be filled and hoping they can stave off the next attack.

Got the meds after a mishap with the Rx transfer. Took the first dose with dinner. The anxiety gets worse in the evenings. I also have a mild migraine and sinus pressure that has been bothering me all day. I slept through most of the morning into the afternoon because I had no desire to do anything. I’m ok at the moment. I just don’t want to feel like I’m dying again.

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Day 4

6:15 – morning as usual, breakfast, cat time

7 – morning Yoga with Kassandra flow

7:45 – one of the ferals who disappeared after the daylight savings shift returned! yay!

8 – hurry to get back on chat…

11-12:30 deal with mom stuff, phone calls, lunch, wonder if I’m sick tired or just “I’m always tired so what else is new” tired

1 – ordered myself the $20 surprise box from Love’s Sweet Arrow (bookstore) as a Good Thing of the Day

2-3:30-ish monitor online faculty meeting/chat simultaneously

3:35 – get call from mom that her pain has worsened, plan for worst case scenario and drive over…

5-6:30 mostly panic over whether or not my mother, grandmother, and I are now infected after visit to ER facility. Contact was limited, mask was worn, hands were cleaned, all clothes was stuffed in a bag for disinfecting upon arriving home

[a lot happened, lots of fears were tapped. I did some rage tweeting.]

8 finally go home. wash wash wash! feed self. try to relax

went to bed around 11 because couldn’t come down from the high of adrenaline for a while

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Day 5

all the emotions today. woke up, waited for pharmacy to open, went for a walk, bought a social distance latte because I needed it (our county is take-out only), back to pharmacy for pickup and supplies for mom (just in case). back home. quick lunch (finally had an appetite), caught last 5 minutes of a meeting, chat with coworkers, another walk, shower and try to relax, call with university therapist because I NEEDED IT.

Going to finish a book and write a review because I need something normal.

Trying to mitigate little panic attacks with deep breathing and podcasts. Every cough feels like a death knoll.

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