dealing with stress – marginalia and such

social distance diaries: days 331-337

Day 331, Monday

Week started with meetings, and it only went downhill from there…

Day 332, Tuesday

Signed in to my email to find a message from our president asking that we double down on the return to campus. No real plan, no real details, completely unsound reasoning IMHO. Spent the time between meetings creating a plan, schedules, and rationales for each should I need to be ready to state my case.

Had an emotionally draining meeting that requires a follow up later this week to figure out whether or not we’re facing a potential HR situation with a coworker whose behavior is starting to feel like harassment. Then, found out the boy spent his day at work on Monday with someone who now tested positive for covid.

Day 333, Wednesday

More meetings to discuss this repopulation situation and my department chair is missing? Our last exchange suggested we continue as we have been, but I’m not sure how the HR meeting today might affect that plan. Met with my department today to discuss contingency plans. At least, I’m prepared and they’re on board with my rationale to keep everyone safe.

The boy had a preliminary test (we know it won’t work for Monday’s exposure, but there were other reasons for the test). I’m testing tomorrow as a follow-up to the DMV fiasco. He’s retesting next week as well.

[I’ve been vlogging this week’s emotions in real-time, so you get to see them live on Monday]

Day 334, Thursday

Went to campus to get a covid test as a follow-up to last week’s DMV fiasco. Receiving contradictory updates and my unit head is still missing, so I have no real answers yet. Proceeding as we have been (based on the last exchange we had) until I hear otherwise.

Had an upsetting phone call from a colleague. Not their fault, it’s an old situation that resurfaces on the regular, but still upsetting (and particularly disheartening as it involves people who should know better).

Late in the day, my mom and gran received a call from the city to schedule their covid vaccines…

Day 335, Friday

Test results arrived around 10 am, they were negative (big sigh of relief). I was able to drive my mom and gran to get their vaccines, and spent the night without having the dread of potential asymptomatic spread. I kept my mask on while I was in the room with them, and my distance any time removed it to eat or drink, but I didn’t have the constant sense of anxiety I had last time I spent the night (last hurricane season… knock on all the woods that we don’t get another insanely active season).

I recount my mom’s symptoms in Monday’s vlog but, briefly, mom had a short-lived headache, tiredness, and body aches, but nothing beyond what she feels when she gets a flu vaccine. Gran displayed no discomfort. They received the Pfizer shot.

Day 336, Saturday

Back home after spending the night on my mom’s couch. They’re were doing well when I left and my mom is feeling herself. I, however, was exhausted after a draining week and a terribly stiff couch (if only I could convince my mom to get a new one… still working on trying to talk her into getting a new mattress).

I took the day off from writing, though I’m way behind on my goals for the week. Either way, it was a necessary and deserved rest. I relaxed, put together a new storage unit for my closet, re-homed all my sweaters, and enjoyed uninterrupted reading time before recording tomorrow’s minisode for the podcast.

Day 337, Sunday

Happy Valentine’s if you’re reading this on the 14th! I don’t care what anyone says, Valentine’s has always been my favorite and I am here for all the kitschy heart swag. Enjoyed takeout sushi from the fancy Japanese place that I always pass up as too pricey for anything less than a date night. We sat outside and had a nice chat on my covered roof/deck area. The boy’s initial covid test was negative, but it feel outside the desired window of testing for a PCR test, so I couldn’t risk anything closer than that. We’re getting another test tomorrow and hoping for the best. I’m fairly confident I’m in the clear, I’m on day 10 since potential exposure, but just in case.

Hope your Valentine’s was the best it could be.

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social distance diaries: days 233-239

edit: I got the numbering wrong in the first post and have updated the days.

Day 233, Monday

I finally got some sleep after the cats started to tolerate each other. They’re not friendly, but no one will attack. Locked them out of my room and hoped for the best… woke up to find an unexpected victim: one of my jade plants was knocked from the sill, smashing the pot. Luckily, it was decorated with washi tape, which held the pieces close enough to prevent further destruction.

It was a long day.

Day 234, Tuesday

Kept busy all day to keep from thinking about the election… Obviously, received reports from my friends as soon as the numbers started rolling, but I disconnected fairly early and went to bed.

Day 235, Wednesday

Early start to my day with a visit to my endocrinologist for my yearly checkup. All is well and any weirdness with my headaches, cycle, etc, is unrelated to my thyroid (though, must admit, these have improved in recent months).

Still tensely watching the election results and hoping for something positive.

Day 236, Thursday

Waiting along with the rest of the world. This week has been extra productive as I a) hold the existential dread at bay and b) clear my to-do list for a partial day off on Friday to celebrate the boy’s birthday (and by boy, I mean my partner not some secret child, in case anyone is confused). He doesn’t know this (yet), but I’m making mini cheesecakes as a surprise. Making rather than baking because they’re pressure cooked! I’m so excited to taste them, but have to wait until tomorrow.

Trip to the doctor was not as reassuring as I had hoped. Need to see a specialist.

Day 237, Friday

The verdict is in! Instant Pot cheesecake was a success! It takes just like a baked cheesecake, except the crust isn’t crisp (that can be remedied with a blind bake, if you really like a crisp crust). I tried a piece (screw my lactose intolerance) and was very pleased. Will purchase a few more spring forms for Christmas treats. – for the curious, this is the recipe I used from Little House, Big Alaska.

In the process of scheduling a visit with an orthopedic oncologist. As per usual, I had to figure it out by myself because my doctor referred me to the wrong kind of oncologist.

Day 238, Saturday

Prepping for the story by charging ALL the things–laptops, switch, backup batteries, cute but surprisingly functional kitty lamp. I’m sticking it out at home because I don’t want to stress the cats and I’ve been to too many doctor’s offices to feel comfortable staying at my mom’s.

I’ve been finding joy where I can – celebrating Joe and Kamala, enjoying takeout with the boy, and sneaking up on one very alarmed cat.

Day 239, Sunday

Stormy weather started around 10 am. Brought all the plants in because the succulents DO NOT appreciate a soak.

All day rain and dramatic gusts, the scariest part has been the horrifying flood alert from the county. So grateful that this wasn’t a worse storm but the flooding is pretty bad based on reports.

On a side note, the weird foot fetish stalkers have emerged again. I post one shoe review and this nonsense starts.

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social distance diaries: days 15-20

* TW: my mental health declines in these.

Day 15

Another rough night, barely slept and had a hard time waking up in the morning… which meant I had to start out of bed and hop right onto chat with little prep. Not ideal, but made it work.

Day 16

The days are starting to blend… things have slowed down a bit, work-wise, and I’m trying to find the mental space to work on more than the basics, but it hasn’t happened yet…

Day 17

The usual, plus a very long meeting watching faculty trying to figure out how to use a survey tool. It was a looooong meeting.

Ordered dinner from a local Greek restaurant for the first time since I started the work-from-home sitch. I tried ordering from two Chinese places and both were closed, which makes me wonder if they were experiencing racism or decided to be safe (hoping it’s the latter and not the former).

Day 18

What day is it again? (it’s Thursday, for the record)

Went to the Outside after doing my first round of chat… more people wearing masks, so that’s good. I wore a makeshift scarf mask and prayed for the best. To keep my mom and gran away from contagion, I’ve been doing their groceries along with mine, which means I spent an obscene amount of money at Walmart, all while dodging people (still no toilet paper or disinfectant. Also, men need to learn to respect the distance). The elders and the cats will be fed for some time (my mom feeds her own cats plus the local colony that she’s TNRed).

Donated to Feeding America. https://www.feedingamerica.org/

Every time I have a cough, I wonder if this is it 😦

Day 19

Started having anxiety attacks again last night after doing what I shouldn’t do and reading covid accounts. I can’t tell if the weirdness my body feels is the usual weirdness or more, which only spurs the anxiety and makes my chest hurt more. It’s hard to focus on anything right now, but I’m eating well, moving, and trying to take care of myself as much as I can.

Had a major panic attack at night and thought I was having a heart attack. It was terrifying and happened more than once over the course of a few hours until I felt like I was dying. Called a 24 hour on-call nurse and 911. My vitals and EKG checked out, so that was a relief, but it took a while for me to fall asleep.

The Weekend

Day 20, Saturday

Called my doctor’s on-call service and spoke with the weekend doctor. She prescribed anxiety meds because I need more than my regular interventions can offer. My usual pharmacy is out of stock at all the nearby locations so I had to call around to find a CVS that had it in stock. It’s an obvious reflection of the times we’re in when all the anxiety meds are out of stock at a major retailer. Waiting for them to be filled and hoping they can stave off the next attack.

Got the meds after a mishap with the Rx transfer. Took the first dose with dinner. The anxiety gets worse in the evenings. I also have a mild migraine and sinus pressure that has been bothering me all day. I slept through most of the morning into the afternoon because I had no desire to do anything. I’m ok at the moment. I just don’t want to feel like I’m dying again.

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