Tag: dealing with anxiety

social distance diaries: days 352-358

in which we go back to the office

Day 352, Monday

Early start to my morning to get some revision done before work. The campus was quiet and being in my office felt more comforting than I imagined. Not many people around, and the building is generally quiet, so I didn’t feel as anxious as I feared. Lots of expired snacks needed to be tossed (actually, I’m taking them to my mom so she can feed her possum visitor). I set up my filter and love my new office kettle. Did some tidying—lots of old notes on my desk, old calendars, etc. I need to clear out books for donation, but that can wait until I bring the stack that I have at home. Not sure if I’ll be returning this week. If all goes as planned, my mom and gran should be getting their second doses of the Pfizer vaccine this week, so my schedule will need to be adjusted either way. Currently attending an online, month-long conference/event and starting to outline a presentation that is due in April. At least my office is good for focus.

Day 353, Tuesday

WFH today and super busy too! Meetings and an impromptu grocery trip to pick up meds and stock up on snacks now that I’ll be going into the office on a semi-weekly basis. Luckily, no encounters with maskless fools, but the news coming out of the Florida legislation is worrisome re: our covid landscape. We’re already seeing the effect of irresponsible decision-making with this who return to the office because we can’t live in fear of the virus nonsense. I can very much live in fear of the virus. It has killed hundreds of thousands of people in this country alone, and almost as many people in Florida as we have students enrolled at my institution. So take your anti-science platitudes and shove ’em.

Day 354, Wednesday

Apparently, the Dr. Seuss thing happened. I mean, his past is pretty sketchy (google his history of propaganda), good to know his estate is doing something about it, but it also means there’s a push to make sure the copies we have at our library get placed in the archives and NOT someone’s ebay listing.

I never liked his books, not even as a kid. They’re obnoxious to the nth degree. Fight me (bite me?).

Day 355, Thursday

Back to the office for an online event. I took a little walk around the campus this time. It was quiet, but no more quiet than it is during our regular summer sessions—a few students, some staff. It’s never that crowded on our campus, which is a blessing at this time.

Day 356, Friday

Mom and gran are fully vaccinated! Success! It was a challenge to get gran to the place, but they were able to vaccinate her in the car and the boy helped to get her back into the house. We’ve reached the point where she’s forgetting how to walk and it’s becoming increasingly more difficult to get her to stand or find the balance to lower down into a chair, even with assistance. It’s a sad situation for everyone involved.

Day 357, Saturday – Day 358, Sunday

Double-down writing day on Saturday for a solid round of revisions. PMS is rearing it’s head though, so I was forced to slow down a bit on Sunday and take care of house work before I’m completely drained.

It’s been a few weeks, but my neighbors are smoking A LOT today and even my filters are having a hard time clearing the air. I hate it.

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social distance diaries: days 345-351

in which I lose track of time

Day 345, Monday

Back to the DMV! Success this time! It took longer to get to the office than it did to get my license renewed, but I’m so glad the wait was short and the place wasn’t scary packed like the last one I tried. ICYMI – I spent three hours shuffling around a mall food court packed with dozens of people while waiting to get into the DMV office, only to find that the state system went offline and was unlikely to come back up before closing. After a tense wait, I was forced to reschedule. Today’s visit was painless and quick.

Took the rest of the day off to write and work through some stuff at home, though I couldn’t resist checking email for updates on the latest drama.

Day 346, Tuesday

Back at it. Another day with more questions than answers, but we’re starting to get a clearer picture of the situation. It’s not great, but there is some flexibility. I’m taking what I can get and making it work for my department with as little risk as possible.

Day 347, Wednesday

Trying to catch up on the conference sessions I missed when WriteOnCon was live by making time in the evenings after dinner. Even though I’m not a kidlit writer, I LOVE the practical aspects of this conference. I don’t invest as much as I should into my development as a writer because of the cost, but I’m trying to do better this year and work through my money hang-ups (poverty PTSD?).

Day 348, Thursday

What even happened on Thursday? It fell into the void.

Day 349, Friday

Woke up at 4am, but was it the wild dream or the cats that woke me? Maybe both. The living room was in a STATE when I got up to feed them.

Despite the lack of sleep, managed to get through the four hours of writing I set as my goal for the day.

Day 350, Saturday – Day 351, Sunday

Spent the weekend working on revisions and making the most of my time. My current method is working better than any I’ve tried before, resulting a lot of efficiency and less anxiety re: slow progress. Started feeling a migraine coming on Saturday afternoon. Anyone else experience full-body fatigue and joint pain before a migraine? I’ve identified it as a sign of prodrome, but I’m curious how common it is.

On Monday, I head back to the office for the first time in nearly a year. Yes, I’m anxious. It feels poorly planned and poorly reasoned. Let’s not get me started on the UK variant predicted to take over the majority of Florida’s covid cases in the coming weeks. I’m not happy about it. I’m trying to make the best of it, but I don’t feel ready to be in an office setting and will start posting passive aggressive signage if people wander to my door to have a pointless conversation.

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social distance diaries: days 338-344

Day 338, Monday

Covid test and breakfast with the boy. First time I’ve sat outside a restaurant, but it was empty and no one was walking by so I felt ok about it.

Day 339, Tuesday

Got our results! Both of us were negative. And, this is sappy, but because we were both negative, I felt safe kissing my boyfriend for the first time in almost a year. It’s been a difficult time for us both.
Meetings… workout, started tidying in between meetings and lunch.

Day 340, Wednesday

Went on a jog for the first time in FOREVER! Since the day I sprained my ankle.
Filed mom’s taxes! Wohoo! One thing scratched from my to-do list!
Tidied around my desk because it was a disaster of random documents.

Day 341, Thursday

We’re getting more mixed messages about returning to campus. I’m trying to remain proactive and establish a plan before things advance, but it’s hard to wrap my head around the demoralizing reason behind this sudden push and the uncertainty surrounding an increase in the number of students in the future. Why bother protecting faculty for nearly a year only to create a super spreader event in the Fall (maybe Summer)? I’m not the only one who feels this way.

Day 342-344 Friday – Saturday – Sunday

WriteOnCon and Virtual Writing Retreat with the Heart Breathings sprint group. I debated not revising until Monday, but then I started and found the sprints incredibly motivating. I did some decluttering to clear my space and my head, and some laundry to get it out of the way. I have a lot of mixed feelings about returning to the office, but I’m not going to worry about that for a few days. Back to the DMV on Monday. That’s my most pressing concern. I’ll start transitioning back to the office and hope for the best in a couple of weeks. It’s a very complicated situation. I can’t be compelled to return until May, but I have my own reasons for wanting to slowly transition back rather than deal with an abrupt return. So many anxieties surround the possibility of contagion and the awful circulation in my office. I’m grateful for the relative safety I’ve had while WFH-ing, but this is a rush job and no one is happy about the reasoning behind it or the message we’ve been given.

What should I call these updates when I go back to work? Stuck in an office diaries? 🤷‍♀️

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social distance diaries: day 21

Day 21, Sunday

Slept in until 8, which is later than usual for me but much needed. Still have a mild headache that may be weather-related (I hope). Tried to write, but it’s been hard to concentrate for obvious reasons. My anxiety is manageable today and no heart palpitations so far (good!). I’m mostly drained after the emotional roller-coaster of the last two days.

Took a very short walk, simply to get out of the house for a few minutes. Watched PS. I Still Love You and it was as perfect as the first.

Migraine still going strong this evening, but it’s mild by my standard. Hoping it starts to rain soon and that it’s just barometric-pressure related.

I have to pick up my mom’s Rx refills tomorrow and I’m dreading the thought of going. The pharmacy doesn’t have a drive thru or delivery option and she has so many scripts, it’s too much of a hassle to have them transferred. Going to pick up whatever she, my BF, and I might need and hope I don’t have to go out again. Pray for me.

 

social distance diaries: days 8-10

*this has been a WEEK

Day 8

5:30 am – Really tired this morning and barely want to get out of bed. Had an anxiety attack at 1 am and another at 3 am that left me reeling. I think I slept for about 4 hours, definitely no enough.
breakfast toast, biscotti, and two cups of coffee (I’m running low on biscotti)

7:30 am – check email and plan out my schedule for the week

8 am – back on chat

9ish – manager type stuff… signing forms electronically because no printer.

[neighbor always has a loud cough, but now it sounds particularly dire]

11-12p social distance chat with work friends

lunch and test zoom with BF who is semi working remote

1pm very awkward work meeting with all faculty and staff…

[took a nap because the tiredness was too much, came back to a million emails – the curse of remote work]

3:30+ emails, surveys, answering questions, scheduling meetings

———————

Day 9

woke up ok, soon entered crisis mode after learning my gran was injured and headed to the hospital. My fear for my family’s health is now code red.

8-10 – did my job as planned to stay busy and keep my mind occupied. chatted for an hour with one of my coworkers who was very kind. chatted with BF to feel a connection. Waited for calls from mom and updates.

I am going through all the stages of grief.

the rest of the day was a wash of meetings and anxiety. Good news, my gran had no fractures, albeit lots of bruises, and was sent home to recover.

———————

Day 10

one of my coworkers traded for my morning hours, so I decided to take the morning mostly off, check email, and forget about everything for a while. Finished the day with the usual work stuff, but I felt much better.

Things that have been helping: l-theanine for my anxiety, walks, checking with the boy on google hangouts. lots of calls with mom.

Also, reading a heck of a lot of romance, but that’s unchanged since the world became a trash fire in 2016. Let’s just say, my choice of reading material is a reflection of my inability to focus on much of anything. HEAs forever! At least in fiction.