grief – marginalia and such

Day 71, Monday

It’s Memorial Day. It’s raining and I’m in no hurry to return to anything that looks like a gathering.

Was a little short of breath this morning. I have a pulse oximeter and my sp02 was 94-95 for a little bit, but then rose to 96/97/98 later in the day. I’m hoping it was a fluke, or maybe a sign of the mild anemia that I’ve started to suspect post-period. Either way, we’re back to careful monitoring. TBH, I’m anxious after last week’s emergency trip to the ER vet and my mask situation at the time. I’m not as anxious as I was following my mom’s ER visit in March, but I’ve had heart palpitations again. Anxiety or the potential anemia? Who knows. My labs were normal last time. I really want to see a cardiologist, but that’s not likely to happen anytime soon. I’m waiting to see those numbers drop in my area… that two-week drop is still a distant dream.

Day 72, Tuesday

Still having a hard time finding the energy to do much beyond the basics. I’m working, but taking it slow. There’s no writing today.

Posted a check-in video, if only to confirm that I’m still around.

Recorded June’s podcast episode, which was a nice distraction but wired me too much for sleep…

Day 73, Wednesday

Vet got the results. Confirmed lymphoma. At least he didn’t suffer for an extended period of time. Still hard though.

Old department issue came circling back… I’m out of ideas on this one.

Flash floods all over town. Lots of anxiety as the boy got stuck in the middle of the storm and I couldn’t help.

Day 74, Thursday

Took a scheduled day off to celebrate mom’s birthday as best I could. Baked funfetti muffins for her (frosting-less cupcakes, if you will) and picked up dinner for her at KFC, which is her favorite. I ordered her a lovepop card but was too late for it to arrive on time.

Spent some time with the boy. Have to admit, it makes me incredibly anxious every time.

Day 75, Friday

Panic attack or general, un-diagnosed bodily weirdness? I don’t know, but I had to drive the boy to work (his car got damaged in Wednesday’s flash flood) and proceeded to start shaking/going numb/have heart palpitations as I was driving back home.

Day 76, Saturday

I’m starting to learn that extreme exhaustion is a side effect of the attacks I’ve experience. No energy to do anything and dealing with some low-level depression.

Day 77, Sunday

Neighbors started dragging furniture and slamming doors at 5am. This after I couldn’t fall asleep the night before. Another low energy day.

looking beyond myself

There are complicated things happening in the world. My words are not adequate to express the injustice that black and brown folks experience on a daily basis. Take care of yourselves. Protect yourselves. ❤

Follow me on

Day 64, Monday

Caved and placed my first instacart order for essentials from a bulk store. I didn’t want to go out three weeks in a row, so it was a choice. I tip well, so this was more than I would normally spend but not like I’m going out to eat, so…
Basically, I’m an over planner and I’m not waiting for hurricane season to ramp up before getting supplies.

Day 65, Tuesday

Dropped the cats off at the vet. Trying to remain hopeful, but kitty has been very lethargic since his last visit, refusing to eat or drink much and just hiding all day. He was fine right before the visit, which makes me wonder if it’s residual pain from the biopsy (having had one, can confirm it hurts) or post-vet visit trauma. Usually, his moods don’t last this long.

Vet called because he found 6 bumps total after shaving him. I never felt these bumps until I felt the first one last Monday. I’m worried it’s an aggressive fibrosarcoma that has already spread, but we’ll have to wait for results. Vet suggested removing the large lump (the first one I noticed) and waiting for those results to decide on next steps. I fear this will be another round of pet cancer and can only hope that I’m wrong.

Day 66, Wednesday

We lost him. Nothing else mattered on this day.

Day 67, Thursday

A rough night, thinking if I should’ve done anything differently, not gone through with the surgery, rushed back to the vet, knowing that he was probably already dying and we didn’t know it until it was too late, that his body couldn’t handle the surgery, that those would be our last moments together. I’m feeling particularly raw. It’s going to be a hard day.

Day 68, Friday

There were meetings. I didn’t have much energy. I took a short walk.

Day 69, Saturday

Starting to feel a little more myself, but I didn’t have the mental space to do anything productive. I worked chat from noon-6pm. The day is mostly a blur. I read most of the day while waiting for chats.