writing in lockdown – marginalia and such

Day 71, Monday

It’s Memorial Day. It’s raining and I’m in no hurry to return to anything that looks like a gathering.

Was a little short of breath this morning. I have a pulse oximeter and my sp02 was 94-95 for a little bit, but then rose to 96/97/98 later in the day. I’m hoping it was a fluke, or maybe a sign of the mild anemia that I’ve started to suspect post-period. Either way, we’re back to careful monitoring. TBH, I’m anxious after last week’s emergency trip to the ER vet and my mask situation at the time. I’m not as anxious as I was following my mom’s ER visit in March, but I’ve had heart palpitations again. Anxiety or the potential anemia? Who knows. My labs were normal last time. I really want to see a cardiologist, but that’s not likely to happen anytime soon. I’m waiting to see those numbers drop in my area… that two-week drop is still a distant dream.

Day 72, Tuesday

Still having a hard time finding the energy to do much beyond the basics. I’m working, but taking it slow. There’s no writing today.

Posted a check-in video, if only to confirm that I’m still around.

Recorded June’s podcast episode, which was a nice distraction but wired me too much for sleep…

Day 73, Wednesday

Vet got the results. Confirmed lymphoma. At least he didn’t suffer for an extended period of time. Still hard though.

Old department issue came circling back… I’m out of ideas on this one.

Flash floods all over town. Lots of anxiety as the boy got stuck in the middle of the storm and I couldn’t help.

Day 74, Thursday

Took a scheduled day off to celebrate mom’s birthday as best I could. Baked funfetti muffins for her (frosting-less cupcakes, if you will) and picked up dinner for her at KFC, which is her favorite. I ordered her a lovepop card but was too late for it to arrive on time.

Spent some time with the boy. Have to admit, it makes me incredibly anxious every time.

Day 75, Friday

Panic attack or general, un-diagnosed bodily weirdness? I don’t know, but I had to drive the boy to work (his car got damaged in Wednesday’s flash flood) and proceeded to start shaking/going numb/have heart palpitations as I was driving back home.

Day 76, Saturday

I’m starting to learn that extreme exhaustion is a side effect of the attacks I’ve experience. No energy to do anything and dealing with some low-level depression.

Day 77, Sunday

Neighbors started dragging furniture and slamming doors at 5am. This after I couldn’t fall asleep the night before. Another low energy day.

looking beyond myself

There are complicated things happening in the world. My words are not adequate to express the injustice that black and brown folks experience on a daily basis. Take care of yourselves. Protect yourselves. ❤

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Day 43, Monday

It’s intersession, which means things are slower than usual work-wise. It would normally mean time to catch up on planning for the summer, new research projects, and a physical review of my office and the stacks, but none of that is happening this year. Maybe the projects, but TBH I’m not really in a place for research.

Ordered myself a new phone. I’ve bought myself a couple of things since this mess started, but very few have been non-health or food related, so this feels like a big deal. It’s also necessary because my phone is old and no longer has enough space to run even the most basic of updates. I’m tired of having to delete things to be able to send a picture.

Learned the uni will be fully remote for the 3 summer terms and we’ll be working remotely through May 30th pending changes.

Day 44, Tuesday

Another slow day, though I’m not complaining. I’m concerned about the parks and public spaces that are opening in our county and hope people don’t throw all caution to the wind and start mingling. I’m afraid they will. I’ll still be staying home and only going out for my daily walk and to shop when necessary. With the exception of groceries, I’ve been ordering my mom’s supplies online (including way too much cat food from chewy).

Had a walk, did some yoga, worked on projects, did some meal prep.

Day 45, Wednesday

I listened to a 10 hour audiobook. My air pods are my new best friend.

Day 46, Thursday

A rainy day. Email and writing. Had a walk, baked banana bread. (this is not a quarantine thing, banana bread is one of the only baked goods I make on a regular basis).

Day 47, Friday

Worked on a work-related writing project. Lots of zoom meetings. Quick trip to mom’s but she was in a mood, so I didn’t get to say much.

Played Just Dance as my form of daily exercise (K-pop is the best cardio).

Watched Romancing the Stone after listening to Heaving Bosom’s recap (fun fun!). Spent the rest of the night reading.

Day 48, Saturday

Planned to write, then realized my home as gross and stuff needed to be cleaned NOW. Such is the single life. No one else is scrubbing the grime off my tub.

Started watching the Fruits Basket (anime) reboot on Hulu. Then remembered Fruits Basket is about familial trauma. *cries* I like it more than the Sailor Moon reboot, but the music is not as memorable as the original series.

Day 49, Sunday

Worked on two scenes. I’m tracking my revisions in a spreadsheet and I’m seeing a positive shift re: hours spent revising. It’s not a lot—-definitely not as much as I planned when I came up with my goals for the quarter, but it’s more than I wrote last month, and more than I wrote the month before.

Started having a bit of anxiety last night but I’m trying to stay positive and hope for the best and simply wait to see what happens.

One weird benefit of being home was that I noticed a crack in the plaster above my desk. My apartment is old and was converted into an office at one point in its history, so I expect it’s a bad patch job that started to pull away from the concrete underneath. I ordered wall tape and a tube of plaster so I can repair it to the best of my ability. I really don’t want a handyman in the apartment at this time, and my landlords are likely to hire one of their random day laborers to do the same work, so might as well do it myself. *fingers crossed* this should be enough to keep the patch from detaching.

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