mental health check-in – marginalia and such

I’m struggling, y’all. Really struggling. It’s that frog in a pot feeling where everything has been adding up for so long that I hardly noticed until it reached a boiling point. I’m unhappy. Not depressed, just unhappy. Discontented. Malcontented. Feeling like I’m behind in all areas of my life—health, career, finances, etc. I can’t even blame it on 2020. If I have to trace the origin, I’d say it started sometime in 2017, when so many things in my life seemed to go off the rails. I’ve been trying to pull it back together for years and this is the culmination, that generalized feeling of what the heck am I doing with myself? I’m not posting this for sympathy. More so, because this space has always been a place where I can express myself somewhat openly and where I’ve documented much of my adult experience.

I recently posted a video about coming to terms with the very real burnout that I’ve been experiencing for the last 1.5-2 years or so. I’ve been slowing down and taking the time to really look after my needs, but that doesn’t stop the world from spinning. I’m working on myself, committing to better habits and starting with my health (because without health, what do we have?). I don’t have the energy to go into the details, but I’ve gone through three separate health scares since 2020 and the mental toll has been as challenging as the physical strain. I’m tired of not feeling like myself and I’m ready to make a change.

Not sure how often I’ll post updates, but I’m going to make this a regular series as I track my progress and share my goals. For now, know that I’m working on a 6 month plan to address my physical health by increasing movement, improving my diet, and building consistency. Mostly, it’s returning to old habits that I thought ingrained but which took a hit over the last two-ish years when I returned to the office following a roughly 8-month stint of WFH life. Three injuries, 2 biopsies, and several health flares didn’t help.

Keep an eye on this space for future updates and good luck on your own journeys.

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Day 106, Monday

Kitty is still adjusting to being a single cat. Another weird, sleepless night where she kept calling for me.

Despite the tiredness, I was in the mood to dance. Spent an hour playing Just Dance and got a proper sweat session. I’m too anxious to run for fear of hurting myself and ending up in urgent care (wouldn’t be the first time), so my workouts have been limited to walks, yoga (when I can focus), and lately resistance band circuits. Dancing is a nice change.

Spent $75 on summer dresses to enhance the sans pants life. I’m tired of wearing the same three t-shirt dresses I’ve been wearing for three years.

Day 107, Tuesday

A quick morning laundry session as I struggle to find the best way to limit laundry time… it’s tough when you have to borrow your partner’s laundry machine because you don’t have your own and don’t want to risk the laundromat.

Learned that one of my aunt’s had a stroke last night. We’re not particularly close, but it’s still troubling to learn of a third person that I know having an attack in as many weeks.

Day 108, Wednesday

Learned my aunt’s stroke is COVID related and she’s been moved into a special unit for recovery. My uncle and cousins have to get tested. We’re not particularly close, but I hope they recover. Unfortunately, they’re the sort of people that were having house parties with more than the county-recommended 10 guests or less. They all probably got it at a Father’s Day party. Not surprising.

More troubling for me, my sister needs to get tested after one of her coworkers tested positive. She lives with my dad and her mom, both of whom are in vulnerable categories. I’m trying to remain calm and hope she didn’t have contact with that person.

Had to teach my mom how to use Zoom so she can meet with her doctor next week. Some of her chronic issues have been causing some concern. I hope it turns out to be nothing.

Day 109, Thursday

Planning meetings for future reopening of the university. I’m not going to stop working from home any time soon, but I’m part of the review committee to ensure a safe return for students and staff when we start to reopen.

My cat has been acting odd. Vet was closed by the time I called, so I’m going to have to call Friday morning and hope that they’re open. Otherwise, it’s going to be a complicated weekend… I really don’t need more complications.

Day 110, Friday

Took the cat to the vet and he couldn’t find anything obviously wrong with her. Gave her b12 and a steroid in case it’s inflammation or arthritis. Also gave her some fluids in case of dehydration and said to return on Monday if she doesn’t change.

Went to the cardiologist for myself in the afternoon… had an echocardiogram and stress test done (the tech asked “do you ever have chest pain?” while doing the echo, so there’s that… but the stress test was fine.). Sent home with a 24 hour Holter monitor.

Day 111, Saturday

Kitty is not eating much, though the b12 should’ve opened her appetite. I suspect she has a hairball again (there was a big one about two months ago). I have to monitor and see what happens this weekend. I am so tired of being worried about everyone lately.

Day 112, Sunday

Late to bed = late to rise. All the noise was hard to handle and I had a migraine that made it even harder to fall asleep. Finally, rolled out of bed around 9, which meant a late start for everything… A less productive weekend than I wanted, but I managed to have a few pomodoro editing sessions.

If my neighbors actions during the weekend is any indication, we’re in this pandemic for the long haul…

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