March has been interesting… I’ve been ill, which means everything has been slow and I feel dreadfully behind. Join me for a sit down ramble as I think out loud about life, writing, and the current state of my projects and editing goals. Plus, thoughts on the future of my self-publishing plan, the indie market, and reading as both joy and resistance in light of the current climate.
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A Q1 life update: coming out of grief and loss, finding financial balance, managing health, and a hint at upcoming writing projects and future publishing goals.
Budgeting and tracking every darn cent because cost-of-living adjustments ain’t adjusting around here. Everything is overpriced and we’re all feeling it. NGL, I’ve had a few anxiety attacks about the clear lack of balance in my life at the moment and the only way I’ve managed to get a handle on the anxiety is to track diligently and evaluate where I need to scale back and be more mindful. I’m starting a low/no-buy series over on the channel as a form of accountability and self-reflection.
Decluttering. Despite a few small declutters over the last two years, I kept missing the opportunity to engage in a solid, top to bottom declutter over a concentrated period of time. The amount of stuff in my home was starting to feel overwhelming and contributing to the overall lack of contentment that I was experiencing in my space over the last two years. During my winter break, I went through 80% of my home. All that remains is the closet, but that’s a project for another time.
Not writing. I finished the project I started last spring sometime near the end of October. I loved writing that novel, but it also helped me realize I was experiencing very real burnout. The number of non-writing days I logged because I felt physically ill or mentally drained outnumbered the writing days (I keep a highly detailed time log with notes). I gained a second wind that saw me to the end when I acknowledged I needed to make a real change in my daily habits and identify what matters most. The draft is waiting to be reviewed, and I plan to get to that in February, but I need to focus on my health and professional goals for a little longer.
Moving. Just moving. Walking, running, Pilates, yoga, resistance training. Some days, I just aim to get 10k and call it a win. I’m maintaining a solid routine and regaining the strength and stamina that I lost after 2 sprained ankles, an injured arm (and subsequent biopsy), a nasty bout of covid, and a rough cold.
Journaling. A lot. I started doing morning pages in September. One day, it just felt like the thing I needed to do and I’m glad that I gave in to the urge. I don’t journal every morning, but it’s become a regular part of my week. I’m also keeping a health and wellness log where I detail my symptoms, supplements, NSVs, and other changes, plus, my nightly journal (I’ve been using the Leuchtterm 1917 line a day, 5-year journal and just started a new one for 2024).
I told myself I would make monthly updates and, gosh darn-it, I will make monthly updates.
October started with intentions. I made goals. I wrote stuff down. I committed to making changes. And changes have been made. I started with a detailed list of all the challenges, traumas, health crises, and major life disruptions that I’ve experienced since late 2016, which I have pinpointed as “the year” when my life started going sideways. I didn’t number it, but the list is three pages long, so that gives you an impression of the kind of burnout I’m dealing with. I even have data to back up the downward trend in my health—year to year since 2017, my average daily steps decreased from 8K (4k in 2020/21, when I sprained not one, but both ankles on separate occasions) to 5/6k over the last year. This might not seem like a lot, but I was a 10K+ girlie for years, leading an active lifestyle and maintaining a solid amount of NEAT throughout the day. So, my first goal is to increase my steps and overall movement. I started by incorporating two walks throughout my workday, using the restroom on the top floor of my building unless I can’t, and clocking 45 minutes of daily activity (with the help of my Fitbit). Doable, realistic steps for my busy, over-committed, short on time lifestyle that are keeping me going and making me feel a sense of accomplishment as I hit my targets at least 5 days a week.
My second goal is to reel in spending. After years of a solid, minimal-ish lifestyle, I went off the rails into depression spending fueled by a treat yourself mentality following the 8 or so months that I spent isolated while working from home. I’ve confessed to this in my vlogs, but I went well into mindless consumerism, particularly when it comes to makeup and clothes. I have way too much and it’s been making me just as anxious as the impact on my wallet. This one has been more of a challenge than the movement goal. I started the month with a solid bout of spending on clothes and makeup before telling myself that enough is enough. I hit a small bump last weekend after a particularly stressful week led to another dopamine-seeking session of semi-mindless consumerism (I say semi-mindless because I don’t regret the actual purchases, and they are of the useful variety, but I didn’t need to make those purchases right now.) Anyhow, we live and we learn.
I started budget tracking after several months of not tracking. Despite the spending sprees, I’m still within budget. That said, everything is more expensive than ever and my rent is increasing for the second time this year, so I’m feeling the strain and it’s triggering a lot of long held anxieties about money that stem from my childhood as someone who grew up poor. It’s a mind fuck, all around.
Subgoals include: increasing protein and watching my carb intake (macro tracking), focusing on strength training and recovery, and regularly analyzing my budget to find ways to save for the holidays and re-establish a sustainable relationship with money and spending.
Small, but steady steps.
I do have an ask though – What are your favorite non-dairy protein snacks? I really miss dairy based protein sources, but the symptoms aren’t worth it to me.
I’m struggling, y’all. Really struggling. It’s that frog in a pot feeling where everything has been adding up for so long that I hardly noticed until it reached a boiling point. I’m unhappy. Not depressed, just unhappy. Discontented. Malcontented. Feeling like I’m behind in all areas of my life—health, career, finances, etc. I can’t even blame it on 2020. If I have to trace the origin, I’d say it started sometime in 2017, when so many things in my life seemed to go off the rails. I’ve been trying to pull it back together for years and this is the culmination, that generalized feeling of what the heck am I doing with myself? I’m not posting this for sympathy. More so, because this space has always been a place where I can express myself somewhat openly and where I’ve documented much of my adult experience.
I recently posted a video about coming to terms with the very real burnout that I’ve been experiencing for the last 1.5-2 years or so. I’ve been slowing down and taking the time to really look after my needs, but that doesn’t stop the world from spinning. I’m working on myself, committing to better habits and starting with my health (because without health, what do we have?). I don’t have the energy to go into the details, but I’ve gone through three separate health scares since 2020 and the mental toll has been as challenging as the physical strain. I’m tired of not feeling like myself and I’m ready to make a change.
Not sure how often I’ll post updates, but I’m going to make this a regular series as I track my progress and share my goals. For now, know that I’m working on a 6 month plan to address my physical health by increasing movement, improving my diet, and building consistency. Mostly, it’s returning to old habits that I thought ingrained but which took a hit over the last two-ish years when I returned to the office following a roughly 8-month stint of WFH life. Three injuries, 2 biopsies, and several health flares didn’t help.
Keep an eye on this space for future updates and good luck on your own journeys.
marginalia and such 