love – marginalia and such

life: searching for something like equilibrium

The last few weeks have been interesting. I was forced to rest because of an ongoing pain in my ankle, which may or may not have been triggered by an elderly lady literally whacking me in the back of the leg with her grocery cart one fine spring day, but alas. I may not be 100% sure of the origin but I am 100% sure that I am tired of the setbacks when it comes to my physical well-being. I need a list to keep track of all the stupid (and I mean stupid) injuries I have had over the last 5 or so years. Yep, I’m tired.

Anyhow, after several scheduling delays, I got a cortisone injection, dealt with a boot, and then discovered it was all in vain. My pain is likely my Achilles (which I suspected all along!) and not a result of my previous (and repeated) ankle sprains. *deep sigh*

I’m trying other options now. Like DIY physical therapy and shoe modifications (because I’m also tired of spending on doctors and PT appointments when I can do the moves at home–no offense to the PTs. They’re lovely. I just can do without the $40 copay at every visit).

Egads, this blog is getting ranty 😅. Welcome to life lol.

Anyhow, I went to California amidst all the drama (post-boot, luckily) and returned refreshed, reinvigorated, re-energized, other words that start with R, but mostly ready to take control of my path again. I’ve been floundering and wallowing for too long. I have goals and dreams and aspirations that I’ve set aside and allowed to go to waste for too many months. Depression is a bitch, but I need to do more for myself. Here’s to doing. 🥂

Also, here’s to the love SFMoMaxRM exhibit. It got me back to California sooner than I expected and gave me the push I needed to re-engage my creativity. We will not speak of my finances… that is a different project.

Here are some of my favorites from the show.

selections from SFMOMAxRM gallery exhibit

I posted a few more photos from my trip on insta, if you’re curious.

my summer of seeking joy

in which I attempt to find joy among the sadness… mostly through avoidance and kpop 😭😅

otherwise known as where have I been for the last year?

Hey. Hi. Hello.

So let’s address the elephant in the room… I mostly disappeared across most of my socials for the last year. Why? ✨ depression ✨

But, for real. Depression. Like proper, post-traumatic, life-hit-the-fan-and-my-sense-of-identity-came-crashing-down depression. A lot of things in my life ground mostly to a halt, including writing/editing, vlogging, blogging, and more. I fell back on not so great spending habits and burned through a good bit of the previous year’s savings even before the sharp rise in cost of living made things more untenable for my single lady lifestyle.

It’s been rough.

I picked up my camera several times but the thought of putting that energy into the world felt wrong and I didn’t want to have to watch myself while editing, so why would anyone else? I deleted those recordings.

In January, however, I told myself I would stop wallowing and make my own joy, even if things were trash. And that’s what I’ve been doing, though a lot of things have been trash–I injured my foot (don’t ask me how, I have no idea), have had several “why am I here?” moments at work, had to pay for car repairs I wasn’t planning on, and have been living with the real knowledge that I am likely going to lose my dad sometime in the not so distant future (we all live with the knowledge, obvi, but this is knowledge with a countdown clock). My mom’s #1 feline son is also in a delicate spot healthwise (see my last post if you’d like to share or donate to our GoFundMe). It’s been a lot, but I persist! Joy, or else!

moments of joy polaroid series — *Moments of joy captured throughout the summer.*

I’ve started writing again, though the progress is slow. I’m committed to publishing late this year, or early next year, and making up for the time this sadness has stolen. I’ve been making more time for my parents and getting closer to old friends. I’ve also been letting go of who I thought I was and filling the well by finding opportunities to connect with who I am as a creative, rather than another cog in the academic capitalist enterprise that is my day job.

more moments of joy polaroid series — *More moments of joy.*

I made one resolution for 2026: to try a new boba place every month. That’s pretty emblematic of the last year. Small joys, living in the moment, and savoring the sweet things. Sometimes it works, sometimes it leads to more anxiety as I worry about money and the terrible cost of living crisis.

Anyhow, explain to me why it took me nearly two weeks to finish this post? 😅 Time is a construct and I’m going to blame it on the moon.

Amidst the chaos and dopamine-chasing, I told myself the only way out is through, so I started vlogging again. Like this post, it’s a start.

If you’ve made it to the end, you’re a real one 💜🫰🏻🌟

the View from Sunday: 7.25

reflecting on loss and regrets

I lost a dear friend this week and his loss got me thinking about all the things I want to do in this little life and the things I wish I had done when I was younger.

One thing I regret is that I didn’t travel more when I was in my 20s, but the reality is that I was in grad school for nearly 5 of those years, getting started on saving for an emergency fund, and paying down my student loans. I focused on my finances and starting my career, and those are choices that I definitely don’t regret, as they contributed to the modicum of financial freedom that I have now in my 40s. But I do wish I had taken more trips, especially as my migraine condition has taken a larger toll on my life. My last flight was at the end of 2019, right before the pandemic started. I didn’t travel at all, even within the state, for at least two years after that, especially as my grandmother’s Alzheimer’s worsened and my mom’s need for backup increased (the number of times I had to make an emergency drive for one or the other… I can’t even begin to count ’em).

I have a conference coming up (🤞🏻for a pain free week), but I really want to take some time to explore places around the state, even if money is tight and life is lifeing (i.e. my elderly parents are having a crisis). Out of state travel likely isn’t in the cards right now, but I hope it will be one day. Like I said, I already have some regrets, I don’t want to have even more as I grow older.

My other big dream is getting my books out. I sometimes regret the time I spent querying trad agents. It was a learning experience; I gained insight on the industry, but I should’ve been brave and committed to indie from the start. What I feared most was my ability to build a business and market myself, but it’s not like trad doesn’t require the same level of industry on the part of the average author.

We don’t all get the luxury of aging and I don’t want to waste more time than I already have… I lose enough of my days to pain. I don’t want to lose more to other people’s opinions.

Hug your loved ones, pet your furry friends, and make the big choices while you can. 🌼

💜

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Note to longtime readers: In case you missed the last year’s update, I changed my name to Emilia Grace on most of my socials to align with my penname.